1 month…

My heart feels heavy today. I don’t really feel angry or hysterical anymore, although that comes in waves on occasion, I mostly just feel sad. A sadness that is almost heart stopping at times, a month ago I would have never imagined feeling like a I do today, a month ago I couldn’t really imagine making it a month. However, I’m here, it’s been one month today since I lost my sweet baby boy, the child I never got to say hello to, the child I never got to hold, bathe, nurse, play with. I never got the chance to teach him a single thing, never got the chance to sing him a lullaby, I’ll never rock him to sleep or press kisses to his forehead, I’ll never be able to tell him how much I love him.

I’ve missed plenty of people in my life, I’ve lost friends & family, I thought I knew what it was to be sad because of missing, I’ve never known sadness like this. I miss my boy, I miss being pregnant, I miss the future we would have had, the two boys I would have had running around my house, the brothers they would become, all the things we would have done.

My heart is so full from all the love I’m so very fortunate to have around me, yet it hurts so incredibly much from the loss of what I so wanted to have around me.