Trying…

I’m trying very hard today to keep myself from loosing it. We don’t know the exact date or time that our sweet baby boy is going to be cremated (there were a few legal paperwork issues that needed to be attended to between them and my OB), we were just told that we would be called once it was complete and his ashes were ready to be picked up, which should be the end of this week (as in tomorrow) or early next week. I’m not sure why, but I feel like its happening today, it’s just this sick to my stomach, on the verge of tears and breaking down feeling. I keep having these thoughts just slam into my head in the midst of any activity of my baby being put into fire and it’s killing me.

I’ve taken hundreds of pictures of Greyson today and spent lots of time post processing them, trying to keep my mind and hands busy. No matter how hard I try though, I feel on the very edge of panic. I just want this “phase” to be over, I want the cremation to be done, I want to have the day we pick up his ashes and bring them home over, I want all of it to be over, I can’t stand this dreaded feeling of waiting for the next impossible day. Yet, I know that those days will never be gone, next it will be the day we should have had our ultrasound (next week) finding out his gender, and then his due date and then the 1 year anniversary of loosing him and on and on for the rest of my life…

I’m trying so hard to keep busy, to get back to normal or maybe find a new “normal”. Some days it seems impossible. I’m so afraid that my grief is causing me to fail as a mom to Greyson, I don’t want to look back in 3 months, 6 months or a year and regret the times I missed with him because I was so caught up in my own grief and being checked-out. I’m trying, trying and hopefully making it.

Here are a few of the many pictures taken today. I love this little boy so very much, I can’t even begin to imagine how I could get through the day’s without him. He’s my everything and then some.

(He is so crazy in love with Trains)

(What a face!!)
(All aboard!! Choo choo!!)

(He's always been so soft hearted, gentle and sweet...)

(baby blue eyes...)