Finding Myself…

The moment you have a child your entire world shifts, everything is viewed from completely new eyes. I have grown, changed, developed in a million and seven ways since October 2, 2005 when Greyson came into the world. Then on December 22, 2008 my world made another shift and once again I find myself viewing the world with completely new eyes. I’m finding each and everyday a new me, a new normal, a new way to mother, a new way to be a wife, a new way to be me. I’d never choose to have lost our baby, my heart continues to break each and every day, and yet I find myself cherishing the life that I have more now. It makes me sad to think that I had to suffer such great loss to fully realize just how much I have, it makes me sad that it took the tragic moments of that night to make me take time for me again, to be a better mom to Greyson, a better wife to Greg. But it’s where I find myself now, and in this moment I feel like I’m going to be ok, maybe even better for it. Not better for not having the second child I so dreamed of, I know with out a shadow of a doubt that Gavin would have completed our family and given us infinite amounts of joy and happiness, but I feel that even though we never really got to have him, he impacted my life so much. He taught me to appreciate his older brother, my husband, myself, so much more than I was. It’s almost impossible to put into words this feeling, I’m so terribly sad for my loss and at the same time thankful for the lesson it taught me.

With each passing day I’m focusing on the good in my life, I’m letting go of the little things, I’m remembering that to be a good wife and mother that it’s ok to make time for myself, and I’m finding a new me, and it’s ok.

(working hard at being ok, again...)