Some days it’s still so very hard, my heart is still so bruised, so raw, so un-well. I’ve moved into this place of feeling like my grief has become a burden, everyone around me skirting by the issue, hoping and praying that nothing will set me off. I feel as if the whole world wants to forget, they want to forget my baby, my loss, my pain. I don’t want to forget, I don’t want to move on. Every single day feels wrong, it’s wrong that I’m working out like I am, trying to lose a little weight, I should be gaining. It’s wrong that I’m drinking a soda, I should be avoiding caffeine, it’s wrong that I can carry Greyson all the way through the grocery store, I shouldn’t be able to pick him up. It’s in my face every day in the flatness of belly, the missing kicks… I don’t know how to heal, I’ve come to realize that getting back to the “old Heather” will never happen, that girl is no longer inside me. I keep thinking that I should be doing better, I should be ok, I should be moving on and instead my heart just aches. I have so much, so much that I love, so much that sustains me, so much to be thankful for and yet at moments I feel so completely lost. Today Greyson drew a face with a sad face instead of a happy face. I asked “who is that baby?” “It’s you mommy” he replied. “Why did you give me a sad face?”
“Because you lost your baby.”
Everyday my heart hurts, some days more than others. It’s been 3 months (yesterday). Part of me is still very much in that day 3 months ago, it’s still so present, that it’s almost unfathomable for me that 3 whole months have passed.
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