Dear Baby Boy...
Momma can't help but think tonight how just one short year ago, I went to bed with you safely inside me. I was worried, the weekend had been rough, I didn't feel quite right, but I had an appointment with the Dr. in the morning and I was sure that once there I would be told that everything was ok, I'd hear your heartbeat, maybe get to see you on ultrasound and then call your Daddy and let him know that everything was fine...
How wrong I was...
I miss you so much, I know that doesn't make a lot of sense, how can you miss something you never really had? Well, you can, and I do. I'm having a pretty hard time right now baby boy. No matter how hard I try to be strong, there are moments when I just can't. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm so disappointed. I feel lost without you, your big brother Greyson, he needs his little brother. Your daddy and I, we need our second son. You should be just about 7 months old now... I wonder if you would be crawling yet? What your favorite foods would be? What would make you laugh, would you be sleeping through the night or still nursing every few hours like your big brother did? How many teeth would you have, what color would your hair be? Would you have been the baby that looked like me, or would you be another carbon copy of your daddy? I should know the answers to these questions, you should be here. I'm so sorry baby, I'm sorry that I couldn't give you what you needed to make it into the world, I'm sorry that I failed us. I'm sorry that I've let you down this year, lost in my own grief... missing out on so many things happening around me. I'm trying little one, I know that I have so much good in my life, so much that you would want me to do, to love, to laugh, to be happy about... it's just so hard sometimes.
I'll go to sleep tonight and think of you, think of the few short months we had, just you and me. I'll hold your urn and your ultrasound pictures, I'll think of those few kicks that I had felt and the times we saw you on ultrasound... I'll think of how perfect you were, your tiny little nose, hands and feet... I love you baby boy, you will always be in my heart.
Love,
Momma
oh Heather... reading your lovely words...you sound soo very sad and heartbroken. I have had your same thoughts go thru my mind as well. I know how much you are hurting. I wish there was something I could do for you. Are you still talking to someone ??? I think you should print out these words and put them in your memory book, you do have one, right ?? I would also suggest that you write about how happy you were of having your son and put that in your memory book. Then you can take that out when you are feeling sad and remember those good feelings. That may help me you, I know it has helped me.
ReplyDeleteI can't even begin to know what you are going through. You and Greg hang in there. We are thinking about you all. Love you
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