I always think, I just have to get through that date, just get past December 22nd…
But here I am today, December 23rd, and you know what? It’s still just as bad, but like every other day, other than December 22nd, I put on my Heather face and go about my day. Yesterday I spent a lot of the day in bed, I snuggled Greyson and wrestled Greyson and let myself laugh with him, I cried and cried and got mad. I took longs naps and an even longer shower. I let my outsides show my insides… I’m not sure that it helped, not sure that it hurt… All day I kept asking one thing, “How?” How did this happen, How am I still going, How do I keep going, How can I ever be ok… How How How?
This last year has been a struggle for me, more so even I feel than the first two. I have changed so drastically much since that day 3 years ago, and I feel that the majority of those changes happened this year. I find myself wondering how (there I go with the how’s again) I would be, feel, think, react if my son had been born alive. It’s hard for me, to wrap my head around the changes in my life, the path so different than once thought…
I feel emotionally wiped out right now. I’m so thankful for the time off from school, time to snuggle my boy all day, revel in the joy that he brings me each and every day, time to relax and recharge, time to just be.
I’m ready to find my place, to find my pace, my spot, my “me”.
