3 years ago.
3 years ago I went to bed having no idea what lay before me. Some days it seems as if it was a life time ago but most days it still feels as raw and as painful as if it were yesterday. I keep thinking that time will heal my heart, time will make it easier, time will get me back to normal – but the truth is sweet love, time can’t heal this. I miss you every single day, I think of you every single day, I feel the huge hole in my life every single day. I wish that 3 years ago tonight I would have known then what I know now. I wish that I would have known what was coming, that I would have been better prepared. There are so many things about that night that haunt mommy still. I didn’t hold you, I was so afraid that you would fall apart, I didn’t kiss your tiny little head or put your teeny tiny fingers in mine. How could I have not held you, I ask myself this question almost daily, I’m so sorry sweet boy, Momma was just so scared… I hate that I didn’t touch you and hold you and kiss your sweet head, I didn’t wrap you up in anything, I didn’t do anything, you were just so impossibly tiny, perfect in every way but so so tiny and I was panicked… It’s no excuse, I should have known better, I should have been better, you deserved better. I want you back, I want you here, I want to wake up from the fog of the last 3 years and find you still growing in my tummy…
But I know I can’t have any of that. I know I have to keep going, for you and for your big brother. So tonight I’ll be sad, and I’ll cry – a lot. But I promise you this sweet boy, I will keep loving you every single day, I will keep striving to be the best mother I can to your big brother, we will keep your sweet memory alive by talking about you and remembering you. Greyson tells everyone we meet about you, it’s really rather sweet. He would have been an amazing big brother, I wish I could have seen the two of you together… So many wishes…
I love you.
Momma
