Fitting…

It’s cold, cloudy, rainy and just plain dreary today. I guess that’s fitting, it matches my mood exactly.

It’s been 3 weeks… Some days it feels like it was just yesterday, others it seems light years away. Everyday regardless it hurts.

Monday…

Monday, it wasn’t on Thursday, it’s going to be on Monday. Monday our baby will be cremated. I’m not exactly sure how to cope or handle that information. Thursday was so hard, the thoughts of my baby, even though I know it’s just his body, being burned up, cremated, about did me in. Only to find out that, “Hey, you were wrong, now you get to go through it all over again and this time know for sure!” I wish I could fall asleep right now and wake up on Tuesday. How do you wake up Monday morning, go through your day, eat lunch, and take a walk, play, anything, while just a few miles away your baby is being cremated?? How?

The urn we picked out will be in on Tuesday, I guess that means they’ll have him ready for us to pick up on Wednesday.

It’s only Saturday and I’m ready for next week to be over.

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I’m sure you noticed that we’re back to just black, I’m just not in a fancy pretty blog type mood lately. I changed it to all cute when I was pregnant and knew I’d be sharing the news here soon, it just doesn’t feel right anymore.

Trying…

I’m trying very hard today to keep myself from loosing it. We don’t know the exact date or time that our sweet baby boy is going to be cremated (there were a few legal paperwork issues that needed to be attended to between them and my OB), we were just told that we would be called once it was complete and his ashes were ready to be picked up, which should be the end of this week (as in tomorrow) or early next week. I’m not sure why, but I feel like its happening today, it’s just this sick to my stomach, on the verge of tears and breaking down feeling. I keep having these thoughts just slam into my head in the midst of any activity of my baby being put into fire and it’s killing me.

I’ve taken hundreds of pictures of Greyson today and spent lots of time post processing them, trying to keep my mind and hands busy. No matter how hard I try though, I feel on the very edge of panic. I just want this “phase” to be over, I want the cremation to be done, I want to have the day we pick up his ashes and bring them home over, I want all of it to be over, I can’t stand this dreaded feeling of waiting for the next impossible day. Yet, I know that those days will never be gone, next it will be the day we should have had our ultrasound (next week) finding out his gender, and then his due date and then the 1 year anniversary of loosing him and on and on for the rest of my life…

I’m trying so hard to keep busy, to get back to normal or maybe find a new “normal”. Some days it seems impossible. I’m so afraid that my grief is causing me to fail as a mom to Greyson, I don’t want to look back in 3 months, 6 months or a year and regret the times I missed with him because I was so caught up in my own grief and being checked-out. I’m trying, trying and hopefully making it.

Here are a few of the many pictures taken today. I love this little boy so very much, I can’t even begin to imagine how I could get through the day’s without him. He’s my everything and then some.

(He is so crazy in love with Trains)

(What a face!!)
(All aboard!! Choo choo!!)

(He's always been so soft hearted, gentle and sweet...)

(baby blue eyes...)

My new attempt at a weekly picture...

So we all know how Friday's Fashion Feature turned out last year... Um... yeah, great at first and then a quick and painful downward fall! So this year, I'm going to do something like it but different. I'm going to do a "weekly" picture, therefor giving myself all week to get it done, I've also found some amazing photo-book software that I love and if I manage to complete my task this year, I'm so ordering myself up an awesome book at the end of the year!

So, here is week 1 of 52!

Greyson funnies…

I felt that my blog certainly needed something a little lighter, a little less depressing and sad. Luckily for me, I have Greyson who provides all kinds of much needed material!

#1 – A lesson is patience.
Greyson marched out of his playroom, where he and his daddy had been playing and informed me, “Daddy has ruined my patience!”

#2 – 3 going on 16
Greyson’s cousin Jordan (who is 18) visited not long ago and had played make believe driving school with Greyson, teaching him how to “drive”. So, the other day while in the grocery store Greyson says to me, “Momma, are we ready to go, ‘cause I’ll drive us home, I know how. Jordan taught me.”

#3 – Watch out for that Grandma!
At diner the other night Greyson looked down at his toes and said “Papaw is missing his other toe.” (Which he is) *** pause *** “I think Grandma did it!” He then went on to tell us that Papaw had told him so.

He’s definitely helping to heal and ease my heart, one giggle at a time…

Adding Insult to Injury…

Not only is today exactly 2 weeks from the day I lost my baby, 2 weeks from the day I had to have a D&C, two weeks from the worst day of my life, it also is the day that I sat in a waiting room with 2 pregnant women, one who’s due date is June 4th (one day before mine was) and a couple with a 5 day old baby boy named Gavin.

Yeah, the universe hates me.

I had to go to the lab today for blood work, the first 5 vials drawn were to test for any auto-immune, infections, etc… that can cause 2nd trimester miscarriages. The 6th vial was to check my HCG (the pregnancy hormone) level, I guess to make sure it’s decreasing at the proper rate?? Anyway, so not only am I sitting in a waiting room with blatant reminders of what my life should look like and what felt like swift kicks in the gut reminders of what I’ve lost, but then to top it all off, the front desk lady comes over and asks me “Are you expecting?” Now, I had looked at my lab paperwork prior to handing it to her and written clearly across the bottom it stated: Late Miscarriage at 16 weeks 4 days on 12/22/08. Apparently she was confused why the Dr. would run the first 5 tests and the HCG test at the same time, and because she failed to READ I got the overly fun job of telling her TWICE how I lost my baby 2 weeks ago.

This is why, I want to stay at home and talk to no one for the next year or so, it’s just too painful.

Yeah, so…

2009 is not starting off to be a good year, New Year’s Eve day was incredibly sad what with all the pathology findings and funeral director meetings and then, THEN to top it off Greyson managed to go from fine during the day to horrible cold, can’t breathe, coughing, sore throat, sore ears, fever child by night. And… he’s pretty much stayed that way the past 4 days, the only change being that he gave it to me.

Next up in 2009? We get to pick up our baby’s ashes.

2009 was supposed to be the year I had my second baby, a good year. Now I’m just ready for Twenty-Ten.