Only my Greyson...

He dances with the sea...

He brings the sun...

Oh how I love this boy...

...

Dear Baby Boy...

Momma can't help but think tonight how just one short year ago, I went to bed with you safely inside me. I was worried, the weekend had been rough, I didn't feel quite right, but I had an appointment with the Dr. in the morning and I was sure that once there I would be told that everything was ok, I'd hear your heartbeat, maybe get to see you on ultrasound and then call your Daddy and let him know that everything was fine...

How wrong I was...

I miss you so much, I know that doesn't make a lot of sense, how can you miss something you never really had? Well, you can, and I do. I'm having a pretty hard time right now baby boy. No matter how hard I try to be strong, there are moments when I just can't. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm so disappointed. I feel lost without you, your big brother Greyson, he needs his little brother. Your daddy and I, we need our second son. You should be just about 7 months old now... I wonder if you would be crawling yet? What your favorite foods would be? What would make you laugh, would you be sleeping through the night or still nursing every few hours like your big brother did? How many teeth would you have, what color would your hair be? Would you have been the baby that looked like me, or would you be another carbon copy of your daddy? I should know the answers to these questions, you should be here. I'm so sorry baby, I'm sorry that I couldn't give you what you needed to make it into the world, I'm sorry that I failed us. I'm sorry that I've let you down this year, lost in my own grief... missing out on so many things happening around me. I'm trying little one, I know that I have so much good in my life, so much that you would want me to do, to love, to laugh, to be happy about... it's just so hard sometimes.

I'll go to sleep tonight and think of you, think of the few short months we had, just you and me. I'll hold your urn and your ultrasound pictures, I'll think of those few kicks that I had felt and the times we saw you on ultrasound... I'll think of how perfect you were, your tiny little nose, hands and feet... I love you baby boy, you will always be in my heart.

Love,
Momma

Last year...

December 9th 2008, it was the last post I made while still pregnant… I had taken Greyson over to the beach for a photo shoot, I remember actually feeling so much better as I noted in the post, 15 weeks pregnant and hopefully over all the morning sickness…

I’ve let a lot slide when it comes to my blog this past year and I regret it very much… I’ve not written about Greyson and the things he’s doing, I won’t be able to look back and remember, I’ve taken thousands less pictures, I won’t be able to look back and see… I have regrets. I feel like I’ve let him down, let myself down, and let our family down. I hope to do better next year and every year thereafter, it’s been hard for me to re-adjust the picture of our family, to come to grips with it being just the 3 of us, I had always thought 4, at least 4. I’m thankful that we are 3, so lucky, so privileged and loved and happy that we are 3 and yet, there is still that emptiness… I’m not done, but I am.

How very much can change it just one year… I’m not the girl I was a year ago. I’m a different wife, a different mother, a different person all together… Some changes are welcome, some I’m learning to live with. I can’t help but wonder what the next year will bring, will I change once again, accept the skin I’m in, or will I find myself as restless then as I am now… trying so hard to make right what feels so wrong…

The hurt...

It’s been rattling around in my brain, tucked away, trying to pop up, and I keep squashing it down, forcing it away, trying to keep it at bay… It’s the little voice that tells me to look back at last year, read from last year, remember last year… I was so blissfully unaware of what was around the corner, so blissfully miserable and complaining about morning sickness, so blissfully waiting to find out that our baby boy, was indeed a baby boy so that shopping could begin, I wasn’t prepared… I wasn’t prepared and I never could have been, nor can I be prepared for now, a year later and the pain, the pain that reaches out of nowhere and tears my heart from my chest, the images that flash in my mind and make me shutter, recoil in pain, in fear, in anger. I’m still there, I’m still living in that day just over 11 months ago, to me it’s not been a year, how can that be possible, a year? But it has, a year ago I was pregnant, today I don’t have that baby. I go from wanting another baby with every ounce of my being, so badly, so much that it consumes my every thought, to wanting nothing to do with even the thoughts of pregnancy. It’s been 11 months and every single day, every single hour I miss my youngest son, he should be here, he should be with me…

Race Day!!

This past weekend, I competed in the Florida Get Fit Women's Fitness Challenge and Obstacle Course Race... it was a blast!! Harder than I thought it would be, but so much fun. I can't wait for next year!

Mommy gets, "Good Job Mommy, you won me a medal" kisses...

Greyson really really loves Mommy's Medal... and by Mommy's I mean his...

On the eve of four…

Dear Little Man,

Tomorrow you will be four. Four years old!! I feel like it was just last week that I was writing your “On the eve of three” post, for us little man it’s been quite a year. We’ve lost what feels very often to momma like more than she can handle, but we’ve also gained, gained more than momma can imagine. I look back at this last year of your life and my emotions go everywhere, part of me feels like I missed so much, trapped in my own grief, spent trying to find out how to live again, leaning on you each and every day for my strength to pull through, and yet there you were everyday with your smiles and your love. You tell me every day to not be sad, you remind me every day that you’ll always be my baby, and you remind me that we carry not only our baby, but our Mayhem too, in our hearts. I marvel at the gains in emotion that this year gave you, you’ve always been my tender hearted boy, but this year you’ve showed such compassion, a true love for everything around you. You completely broke free from your shyness; you found your own inner confidence around other kiddos, other adults. You’ve grown into such a little man, with a big heart, a mighty laugh, and full of confidence and bravado. Through all of this and more you’ve stayed so true to your inner you, the you I’ve known from the moment you were placed in my arms. You lead with your heart and I’m so proud of you for that.

Three was definitely more than just emotions though, all though in my mind I think you made your biggest changes there, you’ve grown so much in your love of sports, baseball, golf and basketball seem to be your favorites. Momma sometimes marvels at your coordination and what seems to be natural talent. I’ve had the most fun watching you learn, from mastering letters and numbers to your recent love of math. You memorize books so that you can “read” them to us at night and I’m pretty sure it won’t be long before you are actually reading. You seem to pick up so quickly on things and it’s a constant reminder that mommy needs to work with you more. This year you developed a love for all things computer related and some day’s momma has a hard time limiting your computer and game time, it’s especially tough when you ask with such manners. At the beginning of your three’s you finally mastered potty training and gave up your pacifier, two things I had to be patient with and knew you’d do in your own time. We’ve learned with you, that you have your own time line; you do everything when you’re ready and won’t be pushed.

I’m thankful each and every day for you; you’ve literally been a life saver this year, my reason for getting up each day, my reason to smile, to laugh, to live. My hope for this next year of your life, the year you are four is that mommy can be more of the mommy you deserve, that you continue to experience all the things that you love, that your heart continues to lead you, your gentle nature be nurtured, your sense of comedic timing stay as spot on as it is in this very moment and that our home be filled with all the love, all the happiness and all the laughter that we can handle. I’m so very proud of you Greyson, proud of who you are on this last day of three, proud of who you will be on your first day of four.

I love you with all my heart, all of me…
Mommy