7 days.

Last night was hard. I went to bed thinking how just 1 week ago, I went to bed pregnant, nervous about the mornings Dr. appointment and telling myself that I just needed to go to sleep so that morning would come and I’d go to the Dr. and hear our babies heartbeat and find out that everything was fine. Now just one week later I went to bed empty, heartbroken, and nervous about this mornings call to the hospital. Today we found out that we will be able to get our babies remains back. I can’t tell you what an ease this is on my heart. Thinking of our sweet little guy being disposed of with hospital hazardous waste was killing me. Now we know that we can get him. We’re also very fortunate that one of Greg’s cousins is in the funeral business. Greg called him today and he was able to make some calls and arrange for things to be taken care of for us. We will meet with the funeral director some time this week once they have picked up the baby from the hospital. I can’t believe that I’m making arrangements to have my baby cremated. My entire body is screaming at me that this is wrong, it’s not supposed to be this way, but it is, and I have to, and I hate it.

I also found out that the pathology report is complete. I’ve opted to wait until Wednesday when I have my follow-up with my OB to go over the results. I know that I’m not going to understand most of the terminology and rather than obsess and spend the next two nights on the computer trying to make sense of something that will never make sense, I’m waiting to go over it with her. Of course knowing me the obsessing will begin then.

Today I mostly feel numb, I’m going through the motions, making the calls that need to be made, doing the things that need to be done, but I feel as if I’ve un-plugged emotionally. I think it’s the only way I’m going to get through the next few days, so un-plugged I’ll stay.