How?

I always think, I just have to get through that date, just get past December 22nd…

But here I am today, December 23rd, and you know what? It’s still just as bad, but like every other day, other than December 22nd, I put on my Heather face and go about my day. Yesterday I spent a lot of the day in bed, I snuggled Greyson and wrestled Greyson and let myself laugh with him, I cried and cried and got mad. I took longs naps and an even longer shower. I let my outsides show my insides… I’m not sure that it helped, not sure that it hurt… All day I kept asking one thing, “How?” How did this happen, How am I still going, How do I keep going, How can I ever be ok… How How How?

This last year has been a struggle for me, more so even I feel than the first two. I have changed so drastically much since that day 3 years ago, and I feel that the majority of those changes happened this year. I find myself wondering how (there I go with the how’s again) I would be, feel, think, react if my son had been born alive. It’s hard for me, to wrap my head around the changes in my life, the path so different than once thought…

I feel emotionally wiped out right now. I’m so thankful for the time off from school, time to snuggle my boy all day, revel in the joy that he brings me each and every day, time to relax and recharge, time to just be.

I’m ready to find my place, to find my pace, my spot, my “me”.

To my sweet baby boy…

3 years ago.

3 years ago I went to bed having no idea what lay before me. Some days it seems as if it was a life time ago but most days it still feels as raw and as painful as if it were yesterday. I keep thinking that time will heal my heart, time will make it easier, time will get me back to normal – but the truth is sweet love, time can’t heal this. I miss you every single day, I think of you every single day, I feel the huge hole in my life every single day. I wish that 3 years ago tonight I would have known then what I know now. I wish that I would have known what was coming, that I would have been better prepared. There are so many things about that night that haunt mommy still. I didn’t hold you, I was so afraid that you would fall apart, I didn’t kiss your tiny little head or put your teeny tiny fingers in mine. How could I have not held you, I ask myself this question almost daily, I’m so sorry sweet boy, Momma was just so scared… I hate that I didn’t touch you and hold you and kiss your sweet head, I didn’t wrap you up in anything, I didn’t do anything, you were just so impossibly tiny, perfect in every way but so so tiny and I was panicked… It’s no excuse, I should have known better, I should have been better, you deserved better. I want you back, I want you here, I want to wake up from the fog of the last 3 years and find you still growing in my tummy…

But I know I can’t have any of that. I know I have to keep going, for you and for your big brother. So tonight I’ll be sad, and I’ll cry – a lot. But I promise you this sweet boy, I will keep loving you every single day, I will keep striving to be the best mother I can to your big brother, we will keep your sweet memory alive by talking about you and remembering you. Greyson tells everyone we meet about you, it’s really rather sweet. He would have been an amazing big brother, I wish I could have seen the two of you together… So many wishes…

I love you.
Momma

...

I looked at your pictures tonight…
It was a lot harder than I thought it would be.
2 years, 51 weeks.
One week away from 3 years.
3 years that you’ve been gone…
My heart hurts, it hurts so very bad.
I still love you, I always will.
I still miss you, I always will...

So you think you can dance??

Because this kid has some moooooves, and some days, you just really need a pajama dance party!!

His FAVORITE park!!

Greyson loves the park, any park really as long as there are swings and slides... However, there is one place that he really really really LOVES! He calls it the "rainbow park" the real name is Magic Forest, and I must admit, it is a pretty awesome park...

Last week Greyson had his 6 year old "well baby (ha!)" appointment, which just happens to be around the corner from this park, so afterwards we went on over.

I don't know if it's just the age he is now or what the deal is, but let me tell you, this kid and I have an absolute blast together lately. We ran around this park like two loony tunes, got on the swings and went as high as we could, giggling and squealing and having our bellies caught. We laughed and raced and crawled and laid in the grass and talked about our day, we... we just simply had the best time ever. We left the park hand in hand our cheeks sore from the laughs and smiles...

This boy of mine... He's so much more than my little man, my side kick, my best buddy... He's my light, my joy, my everything good... He is my proof that no matter what life throws at me, or what life has thrown at me in the past, it's all going to be ok, in fact it's going to be good, great even. Because you see, at the end of the day, I get to kiss his sweet face goodnight...

Welcome to the Rainbow park!!

Cool park right??
why, yes indeed... very cool!

Hello from Pirate Land!! Ahoy Matey!!

Dragon!!

and we laughed until it hurt... and then we laughed some more...

Marine Land - 2011

Dear Greyson,

A few weeks ago, you and I took off for one of our "famous" Greyson-Mommy dates... Dude, we had so much FUN!! You my little man are just simply fun to be with, you're fun to take places and hang out with. I love to get your perspective on the things we see, your thoughts and feelings about what we experience... I don't know how I got so lucky to have not only the best boy in the world, but to have one of my very best friends wrapped up in the same package! I love you so much, thank you for bringing the fun!!

Whitney Park at Marine Land!!

This time our visit to Marine Land was a little extra special. You are finally old enough to participate in the "Touch and Feed Dolphin Experience"!! and so we did it, and I'm not sure which one of us liked it better, Mommy caught herself squealing and smiling and giggling just as much (if not more!) than you!

Shaking "fins" with Alvin (which is a total rock star name for a dolphin I do believe!!)

More fun with Alvin...

Alvin was totally down for a good belly rub...

After our time with Alvin we spent time checking out the tanks, taking a "behind the scenes" tour and watching some awesome "shows". You asked all of your questions, charmed all the girls and talked mommy into a stuffed dolphin before we left. Often during this day I caught myself hanging back a bit, just watching you, following your lead, listening to your insightful questions or comments... You continue to amaze me each and every day little man. Some days I look at you and am completely stunned, you're so grown up and so, just so very much a kid, and then I look you again and there you are, my sweet, shy, innocent bundle of baby love. I'm so proud of who you are and who you are becoming. I love you always and forever...

Checking out the new 6 week old baby dolphin...

Baby dolphin swims with it's Momma...

Just chillin'...

Proof that momma is sucker and can't say No...

You named your new dolphin... "Alvin" of course!!

My most handsome boy...

Well hello there...

Cute-ness?? Yes indeed.

Later Alliga... err?? Dolphin(ator?)....

Updates and such...

I feel like time is flying by so fast! How is it already November? Where did our summer go? Before I know it, it will be summer again!! Too busy we are, way too busy! But doing what? That’s just it, we’re too busy just living the day to day!!

So here’s an update!!

Greyson is rocking school like it’s nobody’s business! His favorite subject is Math (shocker!! His momma always loved it and his Daddy’s and Engineer!) he’s coming home with algebra problems and dudes in Kindergarten!! Ca-razy!! He is reading like a champ and writing very well also. He LOVES to sing, I mean Loooooooves!! It’s kind of the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen… Ever!

He is definitely a computer/video game kid. He’s mad about his Wii and begs to play every chance he gets. He runs and wrestles with our dogs and loves them to no end. He’s still crazy about basketball and is back to picking up the golf clubs, much to his daddy’s joy!

He’s tall, so very tall. He’s handsome and sweet and smart and kind. He makes me smile and laugh and fills our home with so much joy. He pretty much rocks our world.

I am busy with the normal mom stuff, running back and forth from school and to all the extra’s. Still running and biking and working out a lot. My November goal is a (minimum) of a 5k a day!! I competed in a few triathlons this summer and loved them, looking forward to spring and tri season again… Until then it’s all running races though!! Lots of little races and maybe a few half marathons leading up to a full (26.2)!! I’m also doing a few century bike rides (that’s 100 mile rides).

Well, off to play a little Wii with the Weeble before bed time…

Xoxo,
Heather