Good Bye 2008.

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My Dear Sweet Baby,

Hi sweetheart it’s mommy. I’m so sorry sweetie that we never got the chance to meet face to face. I wish so very badly that I could hold you and get to know you. Today mommy and daddy went to the Dr. to go over the reports of what went wrong. I’ve been so scared of what we would find out this day, I knew in my heart that nothing we would hear would be good, but I feared so much that we would find out that mommy’s body is what failed us, or that if we would have done something sooner we could have had a different outcome. What we found out though was that we couldn’t have done anything different, for some reason you stopped growing and developing around 12 weeks. We were able to see you at 12 weeks and 4 days on ultrasound and know that at that time you still had a steady heartbeat and were jumping all around in mommy and sucking on your fingers, but shortly thereafter, things happened and you passed on. Mommy is actually a little relieved to know that you were tucked away, safe and warm inside me when you passed, my biggest fear is that your little heart was still beating when mommy had you, but now I know that there was nothing we could have done, you were already gone.

I’m so sad and I miss you so much. You have no idea how much we wanted you, how long we tried for you, how many tears have been shed for you. You will always be my boy, always in my heart, thought of every day. Life will never be the same because you are not here with us. We had to meet with a funeral director today, we picked out a very teeny tiny urn for your ashes. It felt so odd for mommy and daddy to be there, doing that. I kept thinking to myself how surreal the whole thing felt, how wrong it was to casually flip through a catalog to pick an urn, how do you decide on something like that? We’ll have to go back in about a week to pick up your ashes and I know that day is going to be a tough one. It’s not the way we’re supposed to be bringing you home.

Thank you sweet boy for giving mommy those precious weeks of pregnancy, I’m so sorry I complained about being sick all the time. You have no idea how I wish I was sick again if it meant having you with me. I love you so much, you’ll never be forgotten, and you’ll never be replaced, my heart will long for you every day for the rest of my life.

Love,
Momma

Reminding me that I will indeed smile again…

Not letting my grief get in the way of my being a mom has not been the easiest of tasks lately. Hugging him a little tighter, reading the longer story, rocking extra long and playing more has surely been the key to softening the pain in my heart. I love this boy so much, I can not put into words how thankful I am to have him, to lift my spirits, to bring me joy, to light my life.

( so serious...)
(two sticks make everything better)

:) This one makes me laugh...

Tomorrow we will get the pathology report and meet with the funeral home, it's not going to be an easy day. I had a hard time today when I'd made what felt like my 576th call to either the pathology department, hospital or funeral director, I was done. I could no longer bury the emotions and make the "business" calls. Luckily it ended up being the last one. I hope that I can get through tomorrow, using my head and not just my heart, with an ounce of grace and enough tissues to spare me from having to use my sleeves.

7 days.

Last night was hard. I went to bed thinking how just 1 week ago, I went to bed pregnant, nervous about the mornings Dr. appointment and telling myself that I just needed to go to sleep so that morning would come and I’d go to the Dr. and hear our babies heartbeat and find out that everything was fine. Now just one week later I went to bed empty, heartbroken, and nervous about this mornings call to the hospital. Today we found out that we will be able to get our babies remains back. I can’t tell you what an ease this is on my heart. Thinking of our sweet little guy being disposed of with hospital hazardous waste was killing me. Now we know that we can get him. We’re also very fortunate that one of Greg’s cousins is in the funeral business. Greg called him today and he was able to make some calls and arrange for things to be taken care of for us. We will meet with the funeral director some time this week once they have picked up the baby from the hospital. I can’t believe that I’m making arrangements to have my baby cremated. My entire body is screaming at me that this is wrong, it’s not supposed to be this way, but it is, and I have to, and I hate it.

I also found out that the pathology report is complete. I’ve opted to wait until Wednesday when I have my follow-up with my OB to go over the results. I know that I’m not going to understand most of the terminology and rather than obsess and spend the next two nights on the computer trying to make sense of something that will never make sense, I’m waiting to go over it with her. Of course knowing me the obsessing will begin then.

Today I mostly feel numb, I’m going through the motions, making the calls that need to be made, doing the things that need to be done, but I feel as if I’ve un-plugged emotionally. I think it’s the only way I’m going to get through the next few days, so un-plugged I’ll stay.

Sleep.

Last night I finally succumbed to sleep. It was fitful and broken and at times heartbreakingly sad, but I did get some, and today I feel better because of it. I went for a walk this morning, the air seemed so fresh and warm, the sky as blue as blue can be and sun that warmed just a bit too much. It was good. I’m not as angry today, maybe it will come back, and maybe it won’t. I’m trying to pick up the pieces, but it’s hard when the pieces are so shattered they're barely recognizable. So for now, I’m picking up what I can see. I’m focusing on Greyson, who eases my hearts pain each and every day, my husband who’s provided me the biggest and best shoulder’s to lean, cry and grieve on ever, and myself, allowing myself the time and space and ability to feel what I need to feel.

Today is a better day. I don’t know if I’ll ever have truly good days again, but today is better. I’m sure that rough days will be along again, some worse than others, but in this moment it’s one day, one hour, even one minute at a time.

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P.S. – Thanks for the card, it came yesterday. At a time when nothing could be said that was right, nothing could make me feel better, nothing could be ok, your card and your note were exactly what I needed, couldn’t have come at a better time. I love and miss you too, I really really do.

Anger…

I’m mad. I’m pissed off, I’m furious. I want to scream and curse and tell people off. I want to hit something, someone, I want everyone to hurt as bad as I am and then some. I want to be left alone, I want tons of attention. I want everyone to say the right thing, but there is no right thing so just shut up. I’m so angry that it hurts, it physically hurts.

I haven’t slept in 5 days. I’m up all night roaming the house, sitting in front of this stupid computer, message boards, support boards, medical pages, grief pages, reasons, signs, how to cope. My eyes feel as if they will soon just fall out of my head, it hurts to have them open, it hurts to have them closed. My pain meds don’t even begin to touch the raging headache. I’m terrified to fall asleep yet it’s the one thing I’m craving the most. I’m physically shutting down and mentally fighting it every step of the way.

I’m so totally screwed.

Insomnia…

I think I’m afraid to sleep. Every time I try, I end up in a puddle of tears. I hate the silence, the darkness, thoughts that circle in my head. I know that I have to stop the “what if’s” and “if only’s”. I can’t. I’m so scared to know the reasons if any we get from the pathology reports, yet I can hardly wait to know. I’m terrified to know if it was my body that failed or if it was an abnormality with the baby. On one hand I find myself hoping that our sweet baby boy died peacefully inside of me, tucked away in my womb, warm and dark and cozy. I’m terrified to find out that he died as he splashed into the cold water of the toilet while hearing his mother wail in the arms of his daddy.

I hate that I’m blogging about this, I hate that my happy blog about the joys of Greyson has turned into my heart wrenching, getting it out of my system, therapy. I hate to know that in about 3 weeks I’ll be thinking how we should be going for our ultrasound when we would have found out that we were indeed expecting another boy. Hearing Greg telling me that “he told me so” and going straight to Gymboree to buy his first outfit. I hate that in the end of May I’ll be thinking today should have been my scheduled c-section. I hate that I cry every time I use my bathroom because that’s where my baby was born. I hate that my 3 year old asked me tonight if I was crying “because the baby wasn’t going to come out of my belly button”.

I want to wake up. I want for this all to be a nightmare.

Missed…

Being forced to say goodbye before you get to even say hello is pretty much the worst thing ever. Early yesterday morning our new baby was born into the world at only 16 and a half weeks. The medical society calls it a “late” miscarriage, but to me it feels as a life lost, a death. While most of me wants to forget everything that’s happened, I also know that someday when it’s not so fresh, and when I can finally take a full breath without feeling as if my chest is going to cave in, I’m going to want to look back and remember.

Yesterday I had another boy, we named him Gavin. I don’t know his exact weight or length, but I know that he looked perfect to me, 10 fingers, 10 toes. I don’t know if his heart was beating or if he tried to take a breath. I don’t know anything other than we tried so hard for him and we wanted him so much. I’ll love him forever.

Love...

Some times it feels like my heart could just burst from my chest, I love him so much.

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Pregnancy Update:

We are closing in on 15 weeks and I finally (quick knock on wood) am feeling alive! The nausea seems to have gone away almost completely (let the eating begin!!) and I actually feel like I have some new found source of energy. I've been trying to catch up on all the things I've let slide while feeling sick. Just in time too, as we are off to Disney for the weekend! (yes, Disney again, I know we go a lot.)

Tumble Tot’s Update.

Greyson had his 7th Tumble Class last night (apparently it’s longer than the 6 weeks I originally thought?!? We still have one more class!). I think I can officially say that my child is the biggest ham on the face of the earth. We sit on the bleachers of the gym and just laugh and laugh at his antics. Even though he is the youngest in the class, all of the other kids are 4 and older, he has this strong desire to be first to accomplish his tasks. They do warm-ups on the mats where they act like certain animals down the mat and then run back. Greyson, runs half way down the mat (if not three quarters) then when he’s sure he has a sizable lead on the rest of the class, will drop to all fours, meowing his way to the end of the mat!! He’s always the voice you hear during circle and sticker time at the end of the class when they sing songs and get stickers for a job well done. He’s always the one who after completing his pass on the balance beam, hops down, does a little victory booty shake and then turns to make sure all the parents are watching and clapping for him! He’s just too funny. All that being said, he is really good about listening to the teacher, following the rules, staying on the mat and waiting his turns and trying to console kids who are having a rough time. I really couldn’t be more proud of him.

Sorry Honey, but I love them!!

My husband is going to kill me, but I love these photo’s. I love them a crazy amount, just a quick look and I giggle, smile and fall even more in love with my boys. We had a great long weekend which meant lots and lots of time to play. I grabbed my camera one morning and walked into a (war zone) play room to catch the (mayhem) play time in action! If you can’t tell from the pictures, I was being bombed with tow truck boulders by Buzz Light-year! Greyson thought it was quite hilarious, I was trying to snap fast before my camera took a direct hit!!

The best part of these pictures is just that it’s an exact representation of our life, the bed head, still in PJ’s, wild and crazy play. It’s moments like these that do happen so often in our home that keeps me falling deeper and deeper in love with my hubby. Greyson and I are so lucky to have him, I love the role model he is for Greyson, I love the time he spends really playing, ground level playing, the time he spends teaching, reading, guiding him. So Honey, I know that you want to kill me for posting these crazy morning hair pictures, but they are such a perfect representation of you and Greyson’s love.

I love you both so much!
Love,
Me

(Shooting mom is so much fun!!)

(Direct Hit!!)

(Happy dance after successful bombing!)

(Pure - Glee!)