Good Bye 2009

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A few more...

Wanted to share a few more pictures from our little morning at the beach... We went north about 10 miles from "our" beach, to one of our favorite picture spots... The rocks here... well they are just so much fun for picture taking and for making little boys giggle and squeal and get oh so very excited!! Enjoy!

(Excitement x 1,000!!)

(Smile...)

(Belly Laughs... nothing better...)

(Big waves... cause belly laughs!!)

(anticipation...)

Only my Greyson...

He dances with the sea...

He brings the sun...

Oh how I love this boy...

...

Dear Baby Boy...

Momma can't help but think tonight how just one short year ago, I went to bed with you safely inside me. I was worried, the weekend had been rough, I didn't feel quite right, but I had an appointment with the Dr. in the morning and I was sure that once there I would be told that everything was ok, I'd hear your heartbeat, maybe get to see you on ultrasound and then call your Daddy and let him know that everything was fine...

How wrong I was...

I miss you so much, I know that doesn't make a lot of sense, how can you miss something you never really had? Well, you can, and I do. I'm having a pretty hard time right now baby boy. No matter how hard I try to be strong, there are moments when I just can't. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm so disappointed. I feel lost without you, your big brother Greyson, he needs his little brother. Your daddy and I, we need our second son. You should be just about 7 months old now... I wonder if you would be crawling yet? What your favorite foods would be? What would make you laugh, would you be sleeping through the night or still nursing every few hours like your big brother did? How many teeth would you have, what color would your hair be? Would you have been the baby that looked like me, or would you be another carbon copy of your daddy? I should know the answers to these questions, you should be here. I'm so sorry baby, I'm sorry that I couldn't give you what you needed to make it into the world, I'm sorry that I failed us. I'm sorry that I've let you down this year, lost in my own grief... missing out on so many things happening around me. I'm trying little one, I know that I have so much good in my life, so much that you would want me to do, to love, to laugh, to be happy about... it's just so hard sometimes.

I'll go to sleep tonight and think of you, think of the few short months we had, just you and me. I'll hold your urn and your ultrasound pictures, I'll think of those few kicks that I had felt and the times we saw you on ultrasound... I'll think of how perfect you were, your tiny little nose, hands and feet... I love you baby boy, you will always be in my heart.

Love,
Momma

Last year...

December 9th 2008, it was the last post I made while still pregnant… I had taken Greyson over to the beach for a photo shoot, I remember actually feeling so much better as I noted in the post, 15 weeks pregnant and hopefully over all the morning sickness…

I’ve let a lot slide when it comes to my blog this past year and I regret it very much… I’ve not written about Greyson and the things he’s doing, I won’t be able to look back and remember, I’ve taken thousands less pictures, I won’t be able to look back and see… I have regrets. I feel like I’ve let him down, let myself down, and let our family down. I hope to do better next year and every year thereafter, it’s been hard for me to re-adjust the picture of our family, to come to grips with it being just the 3 of us, I had always thought 4, at least 4. I’m thankful that we are 3, so lucky, so privileged and loved and happy that we are 3 and yet, there is still that emptiness… I’m not done, but I am.

How very much can change it just one year… I’m not the girl I was a year ago. I’m a different wife, a different mother, a different person all together… Some changes are welcome, some I’m learning to live with. I can’t help but wonder what the next year will bring, will I change once again, accept the skin I’m in, or will I find myself as restless then as I am now… trying so hard to make right what feels so wrong…

The hurt...

It’s been rattling around in my brain, tucked away, trying to pop up, and I keep squashing it down, forcing it away, trying to keep it at bay… It’s the little voice that tells me to look back at last year, read from last year, remember last year… I was so blissfully unaware of what was around the corner, so blissfully miserable and complaining about morning sickness, so blissfully waiting to find out that our baby boy, was indeed a baby boy so that shopping could begin, I wasn’t prepared… I wasn’t prepared and I never could have been, nor can I be prepared for now, a year later and the pain, the pain that reaches out of nowhere and tears my heart from my chest, the images that flash in my mind and make me shutter, recoil in pain, in fear, in anger. I’m still there, I’m still living in that day just over 11 months ago, to me it’s not been a year, how can that be possible, a year? But it has, a year ago I was pregnant, today I don’t have that baby. I go from wanting another baby with every ounce of my being, so badly, so much that it consumes my every thought, to wanting nothing to do with even the thoughts of pregnancy. It’s been 11 months and every single day, every single hour I miss my youngest son, he should be here, he should be with me…

Race Day!!

This past weekend, I competed in the Florida Get Fit Women's Fitness Challenge and Obstacle Course Race... it was a blast!! Harder than I thought it would be, but so much fun. I can't wait for next year!

Mommy gets, "Good Job Mommy, you won me a medal" kisses...

Greyson really really loves Mommy's Medal... and by Mommy's I mean his...

On the eve of four…

Dear Little Man,

Tomorrow you will be four. Four years old!! I feel like it was just last week that I was writing your “On the eve of three” post, for us little man it’s been quite a year. We’ve lost what feels very often to momma like more than she can handle, but we’ve also gained, gained more than momma can imagine. I look back at this last year of your life and my emotions go everywhere, part of me feels like I missed so much, trapped in my own grief, spent trying to find out how to live again, leaning on you each and every day for my strength to pull through, and yet there you were everyday with your smiles and your love. You tell me every day to not be sad, you remind me every day that you’ll always be my baby, and you remind me that we carry not only our baby, but our Mayhem too, in our hearts. I marvel at the gains in emotion that this year gave you, you’ve always been my tender hearted boy, but this year you’ve showed such compassion, a true love for everything around you. You completely broke free from your shyness; you found your own inner confidence around other kiddos, other adults. You’ve grown into such a little man, with a big heart, a mighty laugh, and full of confidence and bravado. Through all of this and more you’ve stayed so true to your inner you, the you I’ve known from the moment you were placed in my arms. You lead with your heart and I’m so proud of you for that.

Three was definitely more than just emotions though, all though in my mind I think you made your biggest changes there, you’ve grown so much in your love of sports, baseball, golf and basketball seem to be your favorites. Momma sometimes marvels at your coordination and what seems to be natural talent. I’ve had the most fun watching you learn, from mastering letters and numbers to your recent love of math. You memorize books so that you can “read” them to us at night and I’m pretty sure it won’t be long before you are actually reading. You seem to pick up so quickly on things and it’s a constant reminder that mommy needs to work with you more. This year you developed a love for all things computer related and some day’s momma has a hard time limiting your computer and game time, it’s especially tough when you ask with such manners. At the beginning of your three’s you finally mastered potty training and gave up your pacifier, two things I had to be patient with and knew you’d do in your own time. We’ve learned with you, that you have your own time line; you do everything when you’re ready and won’t be pushed.

I’m thankful each and every day for you; you’ve literally been a life saver this year, my reason for getting up each day, my reason to smile, to laugh, to live. My hope for this next year of your life, the year you are four is that mommy can be more of the mommy you deserve, that you continue to experience all the things that you love, that your heart continues to lead you, your gentle nature be nurtured, your sense of comedic timing stay as spot on as it is in this very moment and that our home be filled with all the love, all the happiness and all the laughter that we can handle. I’m so very proud of you Greyson, proud of who you are on this last day of three, proud of who you will be on your first day of four.

I love you with all my heart, all of me…
Mommy

Him...

It's the way that his eyes can look so bright blue in the right light...

It's the funny faces he makes...

It's that crooked smile...

It's the raised eyebrows in attempt to avoid squinty cheesy smiley face...

It's the color of his hair that matches his Daddy's right down to the highlights...

It's the nose that truly is a combination of both of ours...

It's simply just him.

This face can make any day better, this face can make any day the best.

More Disney Fun...

Greyson with Pluto...

Greyson with Daisy...
The crazy Racer...

On the carousel...

Happy to be at the Happiest Place on Earth... (or so they say...)

We made another Disney trip last week and had a fantastic time. Now that our weather is cooling down a bit, and by cooling I mean 89 degrees rather than 98 degrees everyday, we're sure to be enjoying the parks more often again. Speaking of weather and cooling, it's official that I've become a true Floridian, I froze to death the other evening when the temp dipped to a chilly 78 degrees, literally froze as in I need a sweatshirt and jeans type freezing... yeah, it's sad...

Grandma’s Wedding Suit…

Almost 55 years ago my Grandma was married in this suit, and while I’m a tad taller (the sleeves are a bit short!) and the hat has been smooshed and flattened a bit, I had a ton of fun trying it all on today. I can’t thank my mom enough for making sure I had this, I can remember as a young girl going through the cedar chest and seeing it and to now not only have it, but be able to put it on, well, it’s just pretty cool. I love you Grandma…

(I think I may have this hat on all wrong??)

Hi There!

(Serious kisses...)

Oh yeah... Hi.

So yeah, we're here, we're alive and we're doing well... Just busy this summer! I'll try to make a "real" post soon...

Until then, here is a cute picture of the little man and me... He's so fabulous!

...

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Good bye old friend...

Mayhem

April 10, 2000 - June 27, 2009

Loved so much, gone to soon, missed already.

We had to say goodbye to our Mayhem this morning, 9 years was not nearly enough time with him. We've lost too much in the last few months, I'm not sure how much more we can take.

Conversations…

Sometimes he’s the only one who really listens…

Mayhem had to go in to the Animal Hospital today, we’re still not exactly sure what is wrong with him, but they are running lots of tests. So far we know that he’s pretty dehydrated and they have started some IV’s on him, his blood work came back ok, (his potassium is low) and they’ve done X-rays that came back normal as well. So we’re hoping that with some fluids he’ll be back to his old (he’s 9 now) happy, hungry, crazy self.

Peek-a-Boo! The Piggy Edition.

PEEK!-

a-BOO!!

Happy Friday! Have a great weekend!

Treats

We made Rice Krispie Treats (with sprinkles!). They were Yum-MY!!

• Greyson looked so cute in the apron.
• He had fun patting them into the pan, hands covered in greasy butter.
• He kept sneaking marshmallows before we got started, the treats ended up a little on the krispie side with not enough marshmallow.
• He loved stirring with the big wooden spoon.
• He ate way more than he should have.
• I need to remember to let him help cook more often.

(This face just kills me!!)

Root. Root, Root for the home team...

(Jackie Robinson Ball Park - Daytona Beach, FL)

Last year we took Greyson to his first Baseball Game. The Daytona Cubs (the class A, minor league farm team for the Chicago Cubs) and the Jackie Robinson Ball Park make for a super fun family night. Friday night we went to our first game of this year, last year we were with Greg’s office in a pavilion out from first base, but this year we sat in the stands with the crazy fans just up from home plate in hopes of catching a foul ball, and while a few came close (one nearly taking the head off the old guy behind us) we came home empty handed. Greyson still had a fantastic time though, he seems to love the atmosphere at the park, watching the players, the fans, Cubby the mascot. He loves the way they holler out “Popcorn, Peanuts, Cold Beer!!” he loves to watch Cubby act silly and the score board numbers change, he loves it when a batter makes a hit and runs, and he loves to watch them slide!!

The only thing he didn’t seem to love was mommy’s camera as shown in the following pictures!!

(The face of a photographer's child...)

Greyson in a hat = LOVE!!

Hello, I'm adorable.

Yup, truly adorable...

So, we have a new hat, and well, we really like it!

Amelia Island...

I really can't say enough about the Amelia Island Plantation Resort. What a great little trip, the resort itself was completely beautiful, the villa we stayed in was gorgeous and had every amenity of home that you could think of, the grounds were impeccable, the pools, the beach, the shops, spa, restaurants, all of it - Fantastic! Our little water bug (Greyson) wanted to do nothing but swim, swim, swim so I came home with the mom tan, shoulders and face only!! The only time I didn't spend in water was during the kiddie activities they did each day at the pool, which Greyson had a ton of fun participating in. He's come out of his shell so much lately, I'm quite sure he introduced him self to every single person at the beach club, watching him make little friends and play is so much fun, I couldn't be more proud of him. I failed to take many pictures this trip, so unfortunately I only have a few to share...

Waiting his turn for "Toddler Go Fish"

Holding on to the crab he caught during Toddler Go Fish

My little cabana boy...

at the tram stop...

And last but not least, here is a video of him dancing like a mad man in the bathroom of an Applebee's where we stopped to eat on our way home. He's such a trip!!! Enjoy!

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Bead Head

Just had to post this picture before we left today!!

He gets his morning hair straight from his Daddy!!

Summertime Fun!

The 1st day of summer is still 21 days away, but around here it feels like we’re in full swing summertime fun mode! I have a feeling that if I blink even once summer is going to be gone, we seemingly have something planned for every weekday, weekend, last week, next week and Thursday from now until… well – Fall?? So… if you don’t hear from me for a few days (er… weeks) you’ve been warned, that being said, I’m going to try my best to keep the blog updated with a fun record of everything we're doing. It’s amazing to me now that Greyson is getting older all the activities that open up for us to participate and be involved in!! So much FUN!

First up: Amelia Island Resort Plantation. We’ll be spending the better part of next week there (we leave Tuesday). I’ve heard nothing but great things about it, clean beaches, family friendly, lots and lots to do, so we’re pretty excited. Although, to be honest the only thing I’m planning on doing is lounging (errr… playing with Greyson) by the pool or on the beach the entire time… Hopefully we’ll have better weather than our Disney week.

And, because no post is a complete post without photos of the little man, I’ll offer up this one. We’ve had a real blast with Greyson’s first Garden this year. The watermelons are pretty much taking over, choking out the cucumbers and some other flowers. The corn weevils killed our sweet corn seemingly overnight, but his green beans have done super well and he has some awesome sunflowers!! Here he is with his first batch of green beans!! They were delicious!

Rain, Disney and more RAIN!!

If I had to sum up our Disney trip in one word, it would be super easy – WET!!

After months and months of no rain, desert like, super dry conditions, Mother Nature decided it was time to give Florida a drink and by drink I mean 3 feet of water in 5 days, and I’m so not kidding. Of course that was the week we pick to go to Disney, so with our poncho’s in tow we made the most of it. To be honest it wasn’t that bad, the center of the state got much less rain than our coastal neighborhood did, so we had times each day where the sun was out and we stayed mostly dry. Our first day at Animal Kingdom we learned rather quickly that you don’t leave the poncho’s parked in the stroller while you go in to watch a show; we came out to a down pour and had to sprint to our stroller that was SOAKED!! That was the only time though that we got really wet, the rest of trip we kept our poncho’s with us – lesson learned! Despite the rain and the poncho’s (so not flattering!!) we had a pretty good time, it was nice to get away and relax and spend full days as a family.

This week Greyson started and Aqua Tots class (swimming lessons) and a 6 week Sports Camp. Yesterday was his first Sports Camp day and the focus was T-ball and Greyson loved it! He’s been hitting a ball at home for awhile now both from a stand and pitched. He was showing off his skills yesterday for sure! Also in the land of Greyson, he’s eating us out of house and home! I’ve never seen a 3 year old that can pack it away like this kid, yesterday he ate a full 6 inch sub from subway that was loaded with veggies (lettuce, spinach, green peppers, pickles, olives all on top of the turkey, ham, bacon and cheese!!) and 2 chocolate chip cookies!! That was after a big breakfast of eggs, Canadian bacon and an apple!! I swear he’s either eating, sleeping or running!!

Here are a couple of Disney pictures, we didn’t take too many because of the rain…

Greyson and Daddy on the Safari at Animal Kingdom, Greyson was checking out the animal instead of the camera!!

Greyson and Mommy on the carousal... Greyson's favorite!
Greyson being cheesy!!

Greyson suited up in his rain gear. How he looked most of the trip!

Time

Time heals… Just give yourself some time… In time you’ll feel better…

Time right this moment is not helping, it’s hurting. I can’t help but think, would he be here, would he have come early, would we be scheduled for a c-section this Wednesday like originally planned, would I have opted to wait and attempt a vbac, would I already be home, holding him, nursing him?? I often find my arms feeling so empty, my body so empty – where is my baby they scream, why are we not full!?!? I don’t know how to stop this pain, I don’t believe in time, time doesn’t help, time just takes me farther and farther away from him.

Dear Sweet Baby Boy,
I can’t even begin to tell you how much I miss you. I hate that you were taken from me so early, too early for you to make it on your own, you needed more time, we needed more time, so much more. I can’t help but dream of what could have been, what it would have been like to have you home, to hold you and bathe you and nurse you just like we did with your big brother. I can’t help but dream of what it would have been like to see him hold you and love you and press kisses to your forehead. I wish that I had the answers baby, I wish that I could change the past, that I could make it different, that you could be here. I need you so much, I want you so much. Carrying you in my heart is not enough, I want you in my arms, I want you here. I’m so sorry sweet boy, so so sorry.

Love,
Momma

These boots were made for…. Attitude?

Greyson has been eyeing these boots at Target for months now. I finally broke down and bought them (they were finally on sale!!) and man, does the child love them. They definitely give him some attitude though! These pictures just crack me up! Enjoy!

(Seriously, one of my new favorite pictures ever!!)

We're off to Disney for a few days - be back this weekend with Disney pictures I'm sure!!