Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
A few more...
Wanted to share a few more pictures from our little morning at the beach... We went north about 10 miles from "our" beach, to one of our favorite picture spots... The rocks here... well they are just so much fun for picture taking and for making little boys giggle and squeal and get oh so very excited!! Enjoy!
(Excitement x 1,000!!)
(Smile...)
(Belly Laughs... nothing better...)
(Big waves... cause belly laughs!!)
(anticipation...)
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
...
Dear Baby Boy...
Momma can't help but think tonight how just one short year ago, I went to bed with you safely inside me. I was worried, the weekend had been rough, I didn't feel quite right, but I had an appointment with the Dr. in the morning and I was sure that once there I would be told that everything was ok, I'd hear your heartbeat, maybe get to see you on ultrasound and then call your Daddy and let him know that everything was fine...
How wrong I was...
I miss you so much, I know that doesn't make a lot of sense, how can you miss something you never really had? Well, you can, and I do. I'm having a pretty hard time right now baby boy. No matter how hard I try to be strong, there are moments when I just can't. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm so disappointed. I feel lost without you, your big brother Greyson, he needs his little brother. Your daddy and I, we need our second son. You should be just about 7 months old now... I wonder if you would be crawling yet? What your favorite foods would be? What would make you laugh, would you be sleeping through the night or still nursing every few hours like your big brother did? How many teeth would you have, what color would your hair be? Would you have been the baby that looked like me, or would you be another carbon copy of your daddy? I should know the answers to these questions, you should be here. I'm so sorry baby, I'm sorry that I couldn't give you what you needed to make it into the world, I'm sorry that I failed us. I'm sorry that I've let you down this year, lost in my own grief... missing out on so many things happening around me. I'm trying little one, I know that I have so much good in my life, so much that you would want me to do, to love, to laugh, to be happy about... it's just so hard sometimes.
I'll go to sleep tonight and think of you, think of the few short months we had, just you and me. I'll hold your urn and your ultrasound pictures, I'll think of those few kicks that I had felt and the times we saw you on ultrasound... I'll think of how perfect you were, your tiny little nose, hands and feet... I love you baby boy, you will always be in my heart.
Love,
Momma
Momma can't help but think tonight how just one short year ago, I went to bed with you safely inside me. I was worried, the weekend had been rough, I didn't feel quite right, but I had an appointment with the Dr. in the morning and I was sure that once there I would be told that everything was ok, I'd hear your heartbeat, maybe get to see you on ultrasound and then call your Daddy and let him know that everything was fine...
How wrong I was...
I miss you so much, I know that doesn't make a lot of sense, how can you miss something you never really had? Well, you can, and I do. I'm having a pretty hard time right now baby boy. No matter how hard I try to be strong, there are moments when I just can't. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm so disappointed. I feel lost without you, your big brother Greyson, he needs his little brother. Your daddy and I, we need our second son. You should be just about 7 months old now... I wonder if you would be crawling yet? What your favorite foods would be? What would make you laugh, would you be sleeping through the night or still nursing every few hours like your big brother did? How many teeth would you have, what color would your hair be? Would you have been the baby that looked like me, or would you be another carbon copy of your daddy? I should know the answers to these questions, you should be here. I'm so sorry baby, I'm sorry that I couldn't give you what you needed to make it into the world, I'm sorry that I failed us. I'm sorry that I've let you down this year, lost in my own grief... missing out on so many things happening around me. I'm trying little one, I know that I have so much good in my life, so much that you would want me to do, to love, to laugh, to be happy about... it's just so hard sometimes.
I'll go to sleep tonight and think of you, think of the few short months we had, just you and me. I'll hold your urn and your ultrasound pictures, I'll think of those few kicks that I had felt and the times we saw you on ultrasound... I'll think of how perfect you were, your tiny little nose, hands and feet... I love you baby boy, you will always be in my heart.
Love,
Momma
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Last year...
December 9th 2008, it was the last post I made while still pregnant… I had taken Greyson over to the beach for a photo shoot, I remember actually feeling so much better as I noted in the post, 15 weeks pregnant and hopefully over all the morning sickness…
I’ve let a lot slide when it comes to my blog this past year and I regret it very much… I’ve not written about Greyson and the things he’s doing, I won’t be able to look back and remember, I’ve taken thousands less pictures, I won’t be able to look back and see… I have regrets. I feel like I’ve let him down, let myself down, and let our family down. I hope to do better next year and every year thereafter, it’s been hard for me to re-adjust the picture of our family, to come to grips with it being just the 3 of us, I had always thought 4, at least 4. I’m thankful that we are 3, so lucky, so privileged and loved and happy that we are 3 and yet, there is still that emptiness… I’m not done, but I am.
How very much can change it just one year… I’m not the girl I was a year ago. I’m a different wife, a different mother, a different person all together… Some changes are welcome, some I’m learning to live with. I can’t help but wonder what the next year will bring, will I change once again, accept the skin I’m in, or will I find myself as restless then as I am now… trying so hard to make right what feels so wrong…
I’ve let a lot slide when it comes to my blog this past year and I regret it very much… I’ve not written about Greyson and the things he’s doing, I won’t be able to look back and remember, I’ve taken thousands less pictures, I won’t be able to look back and see… I have regrets. I feel like I’ve let him down, let myself down, and let our family down. I hope to do better next year and every year thereafter, it’s been hard for me to re-adjust the picture of our family, to come to grips with it being just the 3 of us, I had always thought 4, at least 4. I’m thankful that we are 3, so lucky, so privileged and loved and happy that we are 3 and yet, there is still that emptiness… I’m not done, but I am.
How very much can change it just one year… I’m not the girl I was a year ago. I’m a different wife, a different mother, a different person all together… Some changes are welcome, some I’m learning to live with. I can’t help but wonder what the next year will bring, will I change once again, accept the skin I’m in, or will I find myself as restless then as I am now… trying so hard to make right what feels so wrong…
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