4/52

4/52

A wagon full of friends...

** Greyson was really not feeling this session today. I wanted to go for a vintage feel, but really didn't achieve it (especially his outfit!!) it's also my first time trying to attempt a photoshop sun flare... that didn't really work either, but it's what I got and it's the end of the week, so it will have to do!!

Wild

Um… did someone spike the town water supply with caffeine? Our house has turned into a whirling dervish, roller derby, tackle, run and tear, rip and roar, hoot and hollering good time!! For two days now Greyson has been on a roll, not bad or misbehaving by any means, but just so full of energy, tearing around the house by foot, by tri-cycle, by any means possible. He’s laughing and screeching and telling jokes, he’s making funny faces, falling down on purpose – anything to get a laugh. Somersaults, jumps, hopping on one foot, leap frog, crab walk, spinning in circles!!

My child has gone wild!

and I’m exhausted!

More Dino Love!

There were so many cute pictures from this weeks Dinosaur session, I thought I’d add a few more. It’s absolutely perfect weather here this weekend, mid 70’s and wonderfully sunny with just a slight breeze. Yesterday Greyson and I did an 8 mile walk, and I think we’ll do the same today. He loves to nap in his stroller and the 2 hour walk does me good! Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

(Hello Mr. Dinosaur, Hello.)

(Surrounded!)

(Rawer!!!)

Greyson-ism #862

While eating Stromboli's for lunch, he said, "These 'strong-bellies' are yummy!"


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Weekly Picture 3/52

Someone has become a little dinosaur obsessed lately!

3/52 = Dino Love

1 month…

My heart feels heavy today. I don’t really feel angry or hysterical anymore, although that comes in waves on occasion, I mostly just feel sad. A sadness that is almost heart stopping at times, a month ago I would have never imagined feeling like a I do today, a month ago I couldn’t really imagine making it a month. However, I’m here, it’s been one month today since I lost my sweet baby boy, the child I never got to say hello to, the child I never got to hold, bathe, nurse, play with. I never got the chance to teach him a single thing, never got the chance to sing him a lullaby, I’ll never rock him to sleep or press kisses to his forehead, I’ll never be able to tell him how much I love him.

I’ve missed plenty of people in my life, I’ve lost friends & family, I thought I knew what it was to be sad because of missing, I’ve never known sadness like this. I miss my boy, I miss being pregnant, I miss the future we would have had, the two boys I would have had running around my house, the brothers they would become, all the things we would have done.

My heart is so full from all the love I’m so very fortunate to have around me, yet it hurts so incredibly much from the loss of what I so wanted to have around me.

School Part Two…

The school tour went very well, and barring any unforeseen circumstances, Greyson will be starting Pre-School this coming fall!! The school is adorable, reasonably priced (yay!) and seems very family oriented (parents are required to volunteer a minimum of 20 hours per school year). I think what we most like though is the advanced curriculum. Greyson seemed to like it very much, I think he’ll do great there!

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As you see I changed up my blog background again, the black was too depressing, and when I saw this, I fell in love – it’s very “me” and feels right.

School…

We’re going to tour the school that will (hopefully we think) be Greyson’s next fall. Because of his October birthday, he won’t be eligible for Kindergarten (Public, Private or Charter) until the 2011/2012 school year. So, this fall we are starting him in the 3/4 year old Pre-School program. He’ll go two mornings a week for 2.5 hours. The following year, he’ll move to the 4/5 year old program which is 3 mornings per week for 3.5 hours, and then he’ll be old enough the following year to start Kindergarten. It’s crazy to be thinking about schools already, but it’s insanely competitive to get your child into a good school these days, and we wanted to find a school that would allow us this option of transitioning him in easy. Plus, it requires uniforms that are so stinkin’ cute!! Leave it to me to pick a school based on fashion! I’m kidding, I’m kidding!! It’s an awesome school with small class sizes a highly accredited curriculum and cute uniforms!

Week 2 of 52 Weeks in pictures...

2/52

Shhhh...

.home.

He’s home… There are simply no words to describe the heartache of picking your baby up from a funeral home, cradling a box, with a teeny tiny urn tucked inside, to your heart as you make your way to the car. There is no new car seat to install, no reason to ride in the backseat, just the cold lump in your stomach, the gaping hole in your heart. Today I’m almost as broken, as sad, as empty as I was 23 days ago. Today is not a good day.

Fitting…

It’s cold, cloudy, rainy and just plain dreary today. I guess that’s fitting, it matches my mood exactly.

It’s been 3 weeks… Some days it feels like it was just yesterday, others it seems light years away. Everyday regardless it hurts.

Monday…

Monday, it wasn’t on Thursday, it’s going to be on Monday. Monday our baby will be cremated. I’m not exactly sure how to cope or handle that information. Thursday was so hard, the thoughts of my baby, even though I know it’s just his body, being burned up, cremated, about did me in. Only to find out that, “Hey, you were wrong, now you get to go through it all over again and this time know for sure!” I wish I could fall asleep right now and wake up on Tuesday. How do you wake up Monday morning, go through your day, eat lunch, and take a walk, play, anything, while just a few miles away your baby is being cremated?? How?

The urn we picked out will be in on Tuesday, I guess that means they’ll have him ready for us to pick up on Wednesday.

It’s only Saturday and I’m ready for next week to be over.

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I’m sure you noticed that we’re back to just black, I’m just not in a fancy pretty blog type mood lately. I changed it to all cute when I was pregnant and knew I’d be sharing the news here soon, it just doesn’t feel right anymore.

Trying…

I’m trying very hard today to keep myself from loosing it. We don’t know the exact date or time that our sweet baby boy is going to be cremated (there were a few legal paperwork issues that needed to be attended to between them and my OB), we were just told that we would be called once it was complete and his ashes were ready to be picked up, which should be the end of this week (as in tomorrow) or early next week. I’m not sure why, but I feel like its happening today, it’s just this sick to my stomach, on the verge of tears and breaking down feeling. I keep having these thoughts just slam into my head in the midst of any activity of my baby being put into fire and it’s killing me.

I’ve taken hundreds of pictures of Greyson today and spent lots of time post processing them, trying to keep my mind and hands busy. No matter how hard I try though, I feel on the very edge of panic. I just want this “phase” to be over, I want the cremation to be done, I want to have the day we pick up his ashes and bring them home over, I want all of it to be over, I can’t stand this dreaded feeling of waiting for the next impossible day. Yet, I know that those days will never be gone, next it will be the day we should have had our ultrasound (next week) finding out his gender, and then his due date and then the 1 year anniversary of loosing him and on and on for the rest of my life…

I’m trying so hard to keep busy, to get back to normal or maybe find a new “normal”. Some days it seems impossible. I’m so afraid that my grief is causing me to fail as a mom to Greyson, I don’t want to look back in 3 months, 6 months or a year and regret the times I missed with him because I was so caught up in my own grief and being checked-out. I’m trying, trying and hopefully making it.

Here are a few of the many pictures taken today. I love this little boy so very much, I can’t even begin to imagine how I could get through the day’s without him. He’s my everything and then some.

(He is so crazy in love with Trains)

(What a face!!)
(All aboard!! Choo choo!!)

(He's always been so soft hearted, gentle and sweet...)

(baby blue eyes...)

My new attempt at a weekly picture...

So we all know how Friday's Fashion Feature turned out last year... Um... yeah, great at first and then a quick and painful downward fall! So this year, I'm going to do something like it but different. I'm going to do a "weekly" picture, therefor giving myself all week to get it done, I've also found some amazing photo-book software that I love and if I manage to complete my task this year, I'm so ordering myself up an awesome book at the end of the year!

So, here is week 1 of 52!

Greyson funnies…

I felt that my blog certainly needed something a little lighter, a little less depressing and sad. Luckily for me, I have Greyson who provides all kinds of much needed material!

#1 – A lesson is patience.
Greyson marched out of his playroom, where he and his daddy had been playing and informed me, “Daddy has ruined my patience!”

#2 – 3 going on 16
Greyson’s cousin Jordan (who is 18) visited not long ago and had played make believe driving school with Greyson, teaching him how to “drive”. So, the other day while in the grocery store Greyson says to me, “Momma, are we ready to go, ‘cause I’ll drive us home, I know how. Jordan taught me.”

#3 – Watch out for that Grandma!
At diner the other night Greyson looked down at his toes and said “Papaw is missing his other toe.” (Which he is) *** pause *** “I think Grandma did it!” He then went on to tell us that Papaw had told him so.

He’s definitely helping to heal and ease my heart, one giggle at a time…

Adding Insult to Injury…

Not only is today exactly 2 weeks from the day I lost my baby, 2 weeks from the day I had to have a D&C, two weeks from the worst day of my life, it also is the day that I sat in a waiting room with 2 pregnant women, one who’s due date is June 4th (one day before mine was) and a couple with a 5 day old baby boy named Gavin.

Yeah, the universe hates me.

I had to go to the lab today for blood work, the first 5 vials drawn were to test for any auto-immune, infections, etc… that can cause 2nd trimester miscarriages. The 6th vial was to check my HCG (the pregnancy hormone) level, I guess to make sure it’s decreasing at the proper rate?? Anyway, so not only am I sitting in a waiting room with blatant reminders of what my life should look like and what felt like swift kicks in the gut reminders of what I’ve lost, but then to top it all off, the front desk lady comes over and asks me “Are you expecting?” Now, I had looked at my lab paperwork prior to handing it to her and written clearly across the bottom it stated: Late Miscarriage at 16 weeks 4 days on 12/22/08. Apparently she was confused why the Dr. would run the first 5 tests and the HCG test at the same time, and because she failed to READ I got the overly fun job of telling her TWICE how I lost my baby 2 weeks ago.

This is why, I want to stay at home and talk to no one for the next year or so, it’s just too painful.

Yeah, so…

2009 is not starting off to be a good year, New Year’s Eve day was incredibly sad what with all the pathology findings and funeral director meetings and then, THEN to top it off Greyson managed to go from fine during the day to horrible cold, can’t breathe, coughing, sore throat, sore ears, fever child by night. And… he’s pretty much stayed that way the past 4 days, the only change being that he gave it to me.

Next up in 2009? We get to pick up our baby’s ashes.

2009 was supposed to be the year I had my second baby, a good year. Now I’m just ready for Twenty-Ten.