Week 8/52

Week 8 of 52

(Beautiful Boy...)

(I found out today that my garage door, plus a little photo-shoped in texture makes for a great back drop!!)

The Spider...

“Mommy!! Mommy!! A spider!! AHHHHH!! Mommmmmyyyyy!! It’s a spider, hurry!!!”

I’m in the kitchen cutting up chicken, I hurry to wash my hands (because apparently I didn’t want the spider to get salmonella??) “I’m coming baby, don’t touch it!”

I rush into the living room, “Where is it?”

“There!” he points with just a flicker of amusement in his eyes.

“Where?”

“Right there!!” he’s pointing at his Doodle Pad.





“I play joke mommy!”

I laughed until my sides hurt and then begged him not to erase the spider until I got a picture. I think for 3 it's a pretty good rendition of a spider! I also think for 3 it's an awfully clever joke!!

2-22-09.

It’s been 2 months, 2 months today. I’m sad.

I miss you so much sweet baby boy, I'd give anything to have you back, kicking and growing inside me. Not a single day goes by that I don't think of you, I wish so much that you could have known how much I love you.

More from this morning...

Just a few more pictures from our morning of watching the sun come up. We do this occasionally, now that he's older I think we'll do it more often. I think he'll really enjoy it this summer when it's already hot in the morning, he can get in the waves and do more playing, rather than cuddling. I like it now, with all the cuddling!!

(All snug as a bug...)

(he's such a poser!!)
watching some surfers, he thought they were "rad" my kid uses the word rad!! How funny is that?

It was a good morning, a very good morning.

Why I love living near the beach...

I woke Greyson up early this morning, bundled him up and headed out to the beach. We found a nice spot, cuddled up in a beach blanket and watched the sun climb into the sky. It was perfect. Just what I needed.

Week 7/52
Sunrise

It’s been a tough weekend.

Just when I thought, “Hey, I’m feeling better, good even.” I was kicked square in the face with sadness. I should be 24 weeks pregnant, I should be stocking up on tiny diapers and new baby clothes. I should be getting the nursery together, obsessing over fabric patterns and wall decals. I’ve cried more this weekend than I have in weeks, I feel so empty, hallow. I want to have my baby safely tucked away in my womb, I want to feel his tiny kicks, I want for Greyson to have a baby brother, for Greg and I to have sons, plural.

I’m doing my best to keep my head above water, from slipping into the pool of depression. I tell myself everyday that there is nothing, absolutely nothing I can do to change what happened, but there is everything I can do to be a good mom and wife. I’m forcing myself, to put one foot in front of the other, when all I really want to do is lay down and be still, still for years. I recently read an article about a mom who lost a second child (she gave birth and the baby only lived 6 days) and she talked about looking at her 4 year old daughter and realizing that she lost years of her life, she said “I missed her being 2 and most of being 3, I couldn’t see her through my own grief.” My heart breaks for that mom, it’s the thing I’ve feared the most from the very first drive home from the hospital. I don’t want depression and grief to get in my way of being what Greyson needs, what Greg needs. Yet, I fear that there are days that I do just that, days that I check out emotionally from both of them, days that I go through the motions in a fog, where I cry all day, and stare off into space, where my temper has no length of fuse at all and sets off at the smallest of things.

I wish I knew when it will stop hurting so much, I wish I knew if it ever will…

Animal Kingdom

I guess Greyson and I didn't get enough Mickey last week, we woke up this morning and headed down to Animal Kingdom for the day! We had a blast, we were able to see two of the shows we missed the last time we were there, Finding Nemo and Lion King!! Both were AMAZING!! the talent of the dancers/singers/cast members was phenomenal!! Greyson loved both shows very much! We also loved the safari ride, but found out the ride Dinosaur (which I thought, cool, Greyson loves dinosaurs) was NOT a good ride for little ones. Greyson's tall, like as tall as most 5 year olds, so he qualifies for a lot of rides that probably are not really suitable for a 3 year old, you know like rides where Dinosaurs come out of dark corners and are right in your face with their roaring jaws and you seriously think they are going to eat you, yeah, rides like that, not so great for 3 year olds. I spent the entire ride trying to cover both of his ears and his eyes, leaned over him telling him that it was ok. He spent the entire riding screaming as if, well, as if a dinosaur was about to eat him. Yeah, walking out with a sobbing child totally made me look like as awesome mom.

Other than terrifying him and ruining his love for dinosaurs, we had a great time. Here are a couple of pictures with Minnie and Goofy. Greyson really really loves Goofy!!

Finding Myself…

The moment you have a child your entire world shifts, everything is viewed from completely new eyes. I have grown, changed, developed in a million and seven ways since October 2, 2005 when Greyson came into the world. Then on December 22, 2008 my world made another shift and once again I find myself viewing the world with completely new eyes. I’m finding each and everyday a new me, a new normal, a new way to mother, a new way to be a wife, a new way to be me. I’d never choose to have lost our baby, my heart continues to break each and every day, and yet I find myself cherishing the life that I have more now. It makes me sad to think that I had to suffer such great loss to fully realize just how much I have, it makes me sad that it took the tragic moments of that night to make me take time for me again, to be a better mom to Greyson, a better wife to Greg. But it’s where I find myself now, and in this moment I feel like I’m going to be ok, maybe even better for it. Not better for not having the second child I so dreamed of, I know with out a shadow of a doubt that Gavin would have completed our family and given us infinite amounts of joy and happiness, but I feel that even though we never really got to have him, he impacted my life so much. He taught me to appreciate his older brother, my husband, myself, so much more than I was. It’s almost impossible to put into words this feeling, I’m so terribly sad for my loss and at the same time thankful for the lesson it taught me.

With each passing day I’m focusing on the good in my life, I’m letting go of the little things, I’m remembering that to be a good wife and mother that it’s ok to make time for myself, and I’m finding a new me, and it’s ok.

(working hard at being ok, again...)

Beautiful...

I'm not sure where he got these incredibly blue eyes, but he did and they are beautiful. Week 6/52 - Simply beautiful.

(tickled...)

The happiest place on earth…

We had a fantastic time!! It was a bit cold for us Floridians (you could easily spot the northerners in their shorts and tank tops!) so we were a bit bundled up, but we had tons of fun! Enjoy the pictures!

Greyson calls it, Mickey's Castle. Sorry Cinderella!

Greyson took this photo of us while we waited for the parade to start!!
The Parade!!

Greyson riding the carousel on Friday...

Daddy and Greyson on the carousel on Thursday...

Mommy and Greyson on the carousel on Thursday... (Greyson loves it!)

Daddy and Greyson shooting from the riffle roost in Tom Sawyer's Fort!

Daddy and Greyson on It's a Small World...

Mommy and Greyson on It's a Small World...

Mommy and Greyson freezing on the race cars! Greyson was driving!!

Greyson, not so happy to meet Leo and June from Little Einsteins...

I missed the pictures with Mickey this time, but we did get a great family picture taken through Disney at Hollywood Studio's that I'm going to purchase. As soon as I get it, I'll have to scan it in!! We rarely get good family photo's so I'm excited!!

Off to see the mouse…

Yes that’s right, we’re making our first trip of 2009 to see Mickey! We broke down and just bought annual passes this year, so I’m sure we’ll go a lot. Greyson is very excited and to be honest Greg and I are too! We absolutely love it there, especially since we can go at off peak times and not have to deal with the masses!! We’ll be gone through the weekend!! I’ll have lots of pictures when we return!

Love,
Us