The hurt...

It’s been rattling around in my brain, tucked away, trying to pop up, and I keep squashing it down, forcing it away, trying to keep it at bay… It’s the little voice that tells me to look back at last year, read from last year, remember last year… I was so blissfully unaware of what was around the corner, so blissfully miserable and complaining about morning sickness, so blissfully waiting to find out that our baby boy, was indeed a baby boy so that shopping could begin, I wasn’t prepared… I wasn’t prepared and I never could have been, nor can I be prepared for now, a year later and the pain, the pain that reaches out of nowhere and tears my heart from my chest, the images that flash in my mind and make me shutter, recoil in pain, in fear, in anger. I’m still there, I’m still living in that day just over 11 months ago, to me it’s not been a year, how can that be possible, a year? But it has, a year ago I was pregnant, today I don’t have that baby. I go from wanting another baby with every ounce of my being, so badly, so much that it consumes my every thought, to wanting nothing to do with even the thoughts of pregnancy. It’s been 11 months and every single day, every single hour I miss my youngest son, he should be here, he should be with me…

Race Day!!

This past weekend, I competed in the Florida Get Fit Women's Fitness Challenge and Obstacle Course Race... it was a blast!! Harder than I thought it would be, but so much fun. I can't wait for next year!

Mommy gets, "Good Job Mommy, you won me a medal" kisses...

Greyson really really loves Mommy's Medal... and by Mommy's I mean his...

On the eve of four…

Dear Little Man,

Tomorrow you will be four. Four years old!! I feel like it was just last week that I was writing your “On the eve of three” post, for us little man it’s been quite a year. We’ve lost what feels very often to momma like more than she can handle, but we’ve also gained, gained more than momma can imagine. I look back at this last year of your life and my emotions go everywhere, part of me feels like I missed so much, trapped in my own grief, spent trying to find out how to live again, leaning on you each and every day for my strength to pull through, and yet there you were everyday with your smiles and your love. You tell me every day to not be sad, you remind me every day that you’ll always be my baby, and you remind me that we carry not only our baby, but our Mayhem too, in our hearts. I marvel at the gains in emotion that this year gave you, you’ve always been my tender hearted boy, but this year you’ve showed such compassion, a true love for everything around you. You completely broke free from your shyness; you found your own inner confidence around other kiddos, other adults. You’ve grown into such a little man, with a big heart, a mighty laugh, and full of confidence and bravado. Through all of this and more you’ve stayed so true to your inner you, the you I’ve known from the moment you were placed in my arms. You lead with your heart and I’m so proud of you for that.

Three was definitely more than just emotions though, all though in my mind I think you made your biggest changes there, you’ve grown so much in your love of sports, baseball, golf and basketball seem to be your favorites. Momma sometimes marvels at your coordination and what seems to be natural talent. I’ve had the most fun watching you learn, from mastering letters and numbers to your recent love of math. You memorize books so that you can “read” them to us at night and I’m pretty sure it won’t be long before you are actually reading. You seem to pick up so quickly on things and it’s a constant reminder that mommy needs to work with you more. This year you developed a love for all things computer related and some day’s momma has a hard time limiting your computer and game time, it’s especially tough when you ask with such manners. At the beginning of your three’s you finally mastered potty training and gave up your pacifier, two things I had to be patient with and knew you’d do in your own time. We’ve learned with you, that you have your own time line; you do everything when you’re ready and won’t be pushed.

I’m thankful each and every day for you; you’ve literally been a life saver this year, my reason for getting up each day, my reason to smile, to laugh, to live. My hope for this next year of your life, the year you are four is that mommy can be more of the mommy you deserve, that you continue to experience all the things that you love, that your heart continues to lead you, your gentle nature be nurtured, your sense of comedic timing stay as spot on as it is in this very moment and that our home be filled with all the love, all the happiness and all the laughter that we can handle. I’m so very proud of you Greyson, proud of who you are on this last day of three, proud of who you will be on your first day of four.

I love you with all my heart, all of me…
Mommy

Him...

It's the way that his eyes can look so bright blue in the right light...

It's the funny faces he makes...

It's that crooked smile...

It's the raised eyebrows in attempt to avoid squinty cheesy smiley face...

It's the color of his hair that matches his Daddy's right down to the highlights...

It's the nose that truly is a combination of both of ours...

It's simply just him.

This face can make any day better, this face can make any day the best.

More Disney Fun...

Greyson with Pluto...

Greyson with Daisy...
The crazy Racer...

On the carousel...

Happy to be at the Happiest Place on Earth... (or so they say...)

We made another Disney trip last week and had a fantastic time. Now that our weather is cooling down a bit, and by cooling I mean 89 degrees rather than 98 degrees everyday, we're sure to be enjoying the parks more often again. Speaking of weather and cooling, it's official that I've become a true Floridian, I froze to death the other evening when the temp dipped to a chilly 78 degrees, literally froze as in I need a sweatshirt and jeans type freezing... yeah, it's sad...

Grandma’s Wedding Suit…

Almost 55 years ago my Grandma was married in this suit, and while I’m a tad taller (the sleeves are a bit short!) and the hat has been smooshed and flattened a bit, I had a ton of fun trying it all on today. I can’t thank my mom enough for making sure I had this, I can remember as a young girl going through the cedar chest and seeing it and to now not only have it, but be able to put it on, well, it’s just pretty cool. I love you Grandma…

(I think I may have this hat on all wrong??)

Hi There!

(Serious kisses...)